nluvw42's Journals on Buzznet

life is happening

nluvw42 — 2009-08-18T23:43:00Z

i feel really guilty so i want to write this. I never look at anyone's picture's anymore, or post my own! It's terrible. I still respond to notes and messages, i just don't have the time to look at the 160 photos i would like too :( i still love you all and maybe one day i will. maybe i'll get bored and use the pictures to enterain myself. They are all beautiful, and i hate that i am missing out on their beauty, i just, i work now, i drive, or i'm trying. I just am trying to enjoy my last year of highschool. please forgive me lol! but yeah! I love my job, i have a lot of fun. I love doing the dishes there, and singing, and talking with customers, it's just so much fun! my car i love too, i cant wait to get my license. i want to start going to the gym once i have it, buying tacos, and maybe get a tan, i know unhealthy but just a good base coat so maybe i won't burn. i actually can't wait for school to start cuz i'll get out early so im hoping to work or volunteer and just have fun! what else can i say oh! i want to dye my hair. i'm thinking an aurburn color. but we'll see. this week i want to see a bunch of movies too, i'm hoping julie and julia, 500 days of summer (again), and the time traveler's wife. i read the last one's book and everyone says they're all good at work. all the customers that is. i love talking with them. i find out about all this stuff in my town! great resturaunts. OH i foudn this cool place where you cook your own food its very cool. they have pans with bioling water in them and they give you raw meat sliced thinly and raw vegis and the water is so hot you just leave it in for 10 sec and ta da cooked! it's amazing! my dad might even take me there. which he bugged me tnight. i got my wisdom teeth pulled yesterday and he was just being selfish. i wanted to sit in a table and hes like no move im like no i want to sit here (being a little petty but still! my table was for two his for twenty which is more practical?) and he's like get your ass over here! hes like im tired my knees hurt i want to sit here and im like yeah i just had oral surgery i want to sit there hes like i had my knee and shoulder replaced so beat that he's like a two year old and all night it was about him. it's just like GOD so glad you only had me and i have a GREAT mom. then i god called like 20x tonight when i was pretty much crying cuz the pain was so bad and ice nor vicadin would help. It was just annoying ANOTHER guy was being selfish and only caring about what they wanted not giving a fuck that i was in pain. normally i do w/e to please but i just dont care when im in mucho pain. i will admit i believe the worl stops and reverses to revolve around me. sorry but i believe when ppl are hurt or sick others should take care of/help them. anyways i'm getting tired. i think this is an okay rant. i need to wish a very! good friend happy bday and eat before i can take more pulls goodnight i love you all and im very sorry!

Quote?

nluvw42 — 2009-07-24T22:53:00Z

Lorelai: And, it's so hard to believe that at exactly this time many moons ago I was lying in exactly this same position...
Rory: Oh, boy. Here we go...
Lorelai: ...only I had a huge fat stomach and big fat ankles and I was swearing like a sailor...
Rory: ...on leave...
Lorelai: ...on leave! Right! And, there I was...
Rory: ...in labor...
Lorelai: ...and, while some have called it, the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.
Rory: I wonder if the Waltons ever did this.
Lorelai: And, I was screaming and swearing, and being surrounded as I was by a hundred prominent doctors, I just assumed there was an actual use for the cup of ice chips they gave me.
Rory: There wasn't.
Lorelai: But, the pelting the nurses sure was fun.

The story i will tell my daughter every year as I sneak into her room at midnight every year for her bday to tell her happy birthday. And to give her a small pointless gift. Where she will have to wait until tomorrow for her real gift. If i have a boy, I will still do this, but obviously I really want a girl. I still contemplate whether or not I want to have two kids though. I see my friends and love the relationship they have with there siblings and i really like it. I love how they always have eachother and they are just connected. id have them two years apart max. anywho I love gilmore girls. It's a great show.

Life: I have a job, I got a car and have grown to actually like driving almost love it. I have issues with turning sometimes and am a TERRIBLE parker. Haha but to my benefit my car is tiny so i can kind of aim for the spot and make it in most of the time on one line haha. It hit me today i have one more year until school is out and then college and i am WAY excited. 1 YEAR!!!! it's just amazing. I can't wait, I hope time flies. Sorry i've been pretty much limbo my dears but i still honestly love you all and i deff do think abotu you and seriously wish i lived close to you all i find most way more mature than my friends and love some of you SO much more than any of my friends. So, please do not think that even though i havent been as connected and comment-y i still am the same much buzzy asorbed and lovin' gal :) miss you all i do respond to notes and messages so if ya ever wanna drop a line

thinking of starting this thing where i post quotes every fri thoughts?

4th of july

nluvw42 — 2009-07-04T21:07:00Z

i hate this holiday it hasn't been good since my dads (current) wife "verbally abused" me as we refer to it. never has anyone besides my mom or dad made me hyperventilate like that. i cant wait til i have my own place and i can go watch the fire works with friends and i wont have to be stuck seeing my father glazed and empty. not only that but i can enjoy watching the fireworks, not sit inside my house listening to them. sit on my roof and watch or go to a stadium, maybe be holding hands with someone. who knows i just hate that this is a terrible holiday and that i just dont have friends to a point by my own choosing. i just can't stand the youth i guess. i want mature friends who arent stupid. who know not to get smashed who know not to get high who know not to fuck to be liked and gain self steem lol i don't understand how this isn't common sense. and i would like someone to make me happy, have fun, and care about me but not just because i have a vagina that seems like a 24/7 pleasure hole for just them lol i'd like to know that someone puts me first in their life besides my mom which i hate that now i'm older it's like she doesnt try so hard. i want to be worth it to someone every day to try and i want to find someone who i find worth it everyday to try.

mmm well im sunburnt until i'm purple so im going to lie down and watch more movies.

a very typical emilee journal

nluvw42 — 2009-06-19T23:39:00Z

Stop seeing yourself as you think others see you and see yourself for who you are

Why does this seem so hard? even if you tell yourself "i don't care what other's think," you do. can try living in the moment, see if that helps. The more you live in the moment though, the easier it is and faster you become the past. what does that even mean? how can someone be themself when there is so much screaming at them. everything sreams SEX. but what are you when you're an easy whore? it's living i the moment though isn't it? having no cares just doing whatever as if you were to die tomorrow, no regrets. if you live each day as your last though, what is left for tomorrow? can you have any real goals then? and what's life without goals? you can't accomplish anything. and who is you. what is yourself? how can anyone put up a wall to block out the world's influences. but then on the other hand, why would you want to. where would you be without culture. some of it destroys though.

UGH can you tell i'm feeling very confused in life? i don't know what to do anymore. I'm a teen, but i don't know what to care about anymore. all the wrong things seem important. i feel i need a vacation and a life changing moment to help. maybe just something different out of the ordinary to pull me out of this monotomy ...yeah, i've lost it. order one hug for myself and a rubber room i'm joining the cazies, which may be the only sane people out there

Thanks

nluvw42 — 2009-06-19T15:50:00Z

I owe it to you all buzzers. Thank you for the recent photo. Thank you for the buzznet original title(?). Thank you for accepting me here. thank you for being my friend. Thank you for everything. I have loved meeting people, talking to people, admiring people's talents. Just, I really love this site and appreciate all that goes into it. You all work so hard. So, thank you, thank you, thank you, merci, gracias, any other language i don't know lol.

Have a great day,

Emilee

Please Vote For Me (for college scholarships)

nluvw42 — 2009-06-05T20:59:00Z

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken)
Brickfish

And I had the time of my life... :)

nluvw42 — 2009-05-30T23:14:00Z

Guess what everyone? I’m happy!!!! Do you know how exciting this is? I haven’t been happy in awhile. So why am I, you ask. Well, let me tell you my dear! Emilee is not going to Stanford this summer. That is a boo hoo, I will not lie. Especially because I got a message on facebook from a guy in germany today who is going to Stanford and I almost cried when I realized I won’t be meeting awesome people. BUT, this summer I will be taking the last three classes I need to graduate. Then, I WILL GRADUATE!!! Early, because I’m a junior right now. Why am I doing this? I got a terrible score on the SAT. I got a 1630 and most people aim for being 2000. That was my second score too. The first score was about 100 points lower. I just do bad on tests like this. I need to study more. Maybe in a little bit I will go study for the ACT. I really hate studying. Back on track!! So, I want to go to USF. That is my dream school. It’s not a hard school or anything it’s just MY school. Problem: My SAT scores. So, I thought, let’s graduate a year early go do a year of college at the local junior college and transfer in. Then, my scores won’t mean anything because I will have college behind me. Brilliant? Yeah, I know. (I’m so happy why I’m so friggen’ cocky) PLUS, the money that would have gone to Stanford can now pay for my car and other expense I may occur for my plans. I want a mini cooper. I have found some too cheap!!! In my price range and they look safe. I’m so happy. Everything seems to be falling into place could this get any better? Yes. A boy I know got into USF on a full ride scholarship. I talked to him about how and my SAT scores may not matter! So, I might apply to USF this summer and if I get in then I can go, or go to the jc or I can do my senior year. Take easy classes and leave with my CAR! And volunteer, job, who knows! I’m so excited and happy. I just love life right now. I have so many options and I just feel great. I think I’m going to go get some cheese finish up some marine biology, do some history, and if I’m still awake study for the ACT. I would study for the SAT2 (US history) but I would fall asleep, and the math makes no sense to me. OMG guess what everyone!!! I got blink182 tickets too!!!!! Super excited. It’s been a bomb ass day. It really has. I hope everyone else is doing awesome.

Ps thanks to all of you who were there for me and read what I needed when I was feeling terrible. Means the world to me. Message me or note me if you ever want to talk or want me to look at something. I TRY to keep up with all your posts but epically fail.
Peace and love

my life right now {an emilee rant}

nluvw42 — 2009-05-20T23:46:00Z

I’m not sure if I want to type this right now. I should be sleeping. I just can’t, well I don’t want too. I’m not happy. I don’t know if I’m going to be though. Not for a while. It sucks knowing this. I’ve been so horrible to my family, I hate it. I am just unbelievably rude to my grandparents; my mom and I get into fights every day. I never know how I get into it with her. I wish I didn’t though. It doesn’t help me at all. My mom is stressed out with work, I’m stressed out with school, we both have been having migraines, and it’s not a great situation. I started talking to my dad again and I’m honestly really glad. I love talking to him. And he’s always there for my family problems. He just laughs and is like well yeah your mom is stressed give her some slack it’s hard for teachers. But he says it really easy going; pretty much he knows he couldn’t control how I’m going to act if he tried. I like that, nice to be able to rant not be judged and still hear what I know but not get yelled at it for it or be told condescendingly. I broke up with Dylan last night. Today I was wishing I didn’t because I wanted some attention (I hate admitting that because I’ve always been known that wanting attention is bad.) Then I find out today that he started dating his ex’s best friend and has been hooking up with some girl for a couple weeks. (Yes, while I was dating him.) Second best part about this; one of my “friends” gave the girl he was hooking up with consent to hook up with him after she had been informed I was dating him. She said we weren’t really dating, so it’s okay! Could say the same for her, she has HPV and is fucking for guys not telling any of them she has the disease, which they can’t get tested for, while she has a boyfriend. I love my “friends”. I have no real friends right now. Which is why I can’t stop crying tonight. I have finally allowed myself to just cry. I’m realizing how much I’m hating life because I have no one I can talk to or rely on or anyone to make me feel loved. I think this is why I hate family so much, because I don’t see their purpose except to drive me crazy. I don’t see my family as being there for me, because they aren’t. They aren’t my friends and everyone knows this. You don’t walk up to your grandpa and be like hey want to hear my life problems? It just doesn’t happen. After Megan decided she didn’t want to be my friend, no one stepped in and took her place. So, I have been functioning without that person a girl confides everything to, or consults, or just bugs when bored. It’s very hard for me. Why I liked when boys started paying attention to me, I had a someone! Someone who I could talk to and bug and just TALK! I spent 5 hours just talking to a guy. I lose track of time talking I love it. BUT, I don’t have that. Even with Dylan, one night I told him I was so stressed out I could kill myself and he never asked why. It was great. I cried. Pathetic but true. I just want to feel like someone cares about me! Why I hate high school. There’s too much drama and it’s all just stupid. I can’t wait until this summer. NEW FRIENDS!!! Hopefully I’ll make some connections. Some that will last. God I hope. One more year of high school is too long. I could probably get my GED. It would look better if I just graduated. I really want a shrink. Someone who has to listen to me. That’s not really that, I don’t know. I honestly just feel so alone. I feel so unloved, so not stupid. In-aqueduct? Every one else can have someone care about them, not just want their vagina, except me. I’ve gone back to the idea of never getting married and only having one kid on my own. Funny how the only time I wanted to get married was when I was with Ace. He made me believe it could happen, someone could care about me. I now realize that I think we were both just in love with the idea of each other having someone care so deeply for one another. Because we both just love one another as friends. I can’t talk to him. I want to so bad, but I know if I let myself, I’ll fall back in love with that idea. I can’t do that to him or myself. I’ve become my father. I need to be with someone. And I judged him for so long. I’ve become him. Maybe I should get married. Not deny my child the escape of a sane parent. I don’t want another person in my life though. My child can suffer. I’ll let them go out often. Promote what my mom doesn’t. I wish I could drive. I don’t know where I would go but I don’t think I want to be here. I just want a change in scenery is what I want. More freedom, different people. I hope I’m not building too much up on this summer and I really hope it fixes my problems. I guess this is long enough. I don’t feel better. I still know if I had the mentality to kill myself I would have. I don’t though. I’m that low, I’m in that much despair, lasting for a while, but I’m not that kind of person. I write, and rant on buzznet. It helps to know maybe someone will read this, maybe someone will care. Even if someone doesn’t it helped me to put it up here. The sound of my keys moving helped a bit.
Goodnight.

efffffff life lol

nluvw42 — 2009-05-17T00:11:00Z

I hate boys. I think I’m just programmed to fail with them. I think I should consider being bi. I might have more options. I think my boyfriend’s friend is into me. Maybe I should give her a chance. Maybe she’d be more fun than he is. Except, I’m not bi, I don’t like girls, and although I find Carson super awesome, I couldn’t be with her. Back to my boyfriend though. I should break up with him. It’s easier to not though. If I just wait 20 days then I’ll be leaving and it will just kind of happen. Maybe I will meet someone up at college to have fun with. Why do I feel this way? I never hang out. This sounds very lame, but it’s crucial. My boyfriend and I (I have to use this repeatedly because it’s very hard for me to even come to terms with it because it’s so fake) only see each other when he drives by, when my moms not home, or I go “study” at the park. This is partially my fault for not telling my mother yet, but I haven’t found the right setting yet as I haven’t been out with him! I want to go chill in the village, or walk around town, see a movie. I honestly don’t think that is too much to ask. It could honestly be free too. But no. When I text him, it’s like I’m annoying him. He texts like I’m a nuisance. He never seems happy to talk to me. Unless we are on the phone, that is. And on the phone, it’s never real talk. I told him I was super stressed out, god I wanted to kill myself that night! Haha and all he has to say is I LOVE YOU! He doesn’t even ask what’s wrong. Then I don’t talk to him the next day, or the next, or the next: today. This is the weekend. My free time, when I wanted to see him. I’m too afraid to text him though. I don’t want to feel rejected. So, I text other people I know like me, just to get a little attention. It’s very childish, but for the moment, I felt special. UGH! I just wish I could have a normal relationship. I want to know it’s not me that’s dysfunctional. I guess I just needed to get this out. I’ve had a migraine for 3 weeks straight too it kind of sucks. I have figured out, I think this is the amount of time I have been dating my bf. I have also had my period for this time, 3 weeks straight. OH! Want to know why I was super stressed previous night? My dad has extremely high blood pressure and both of his parents died of heart attacks. What this means, my dad is about to turn 50 and is more so close to death than most, I guess you could put it. I went to lunch today with him after not talking to him for a couple months. It felt good. So pretty much he’s back in my life. That night though, I was stressed over him, over the decision of letting him back into my life, over fighting over the decision with my mom, over just plain fighting with my mom, my head, school, my being a girl, life? Lol it all overwhelms and consumes at some point. Anyways thank you for letting me get this out. I have some really shitty pictures I need to upload. I took them in the morning and all I have to say is WOW I am so not all there in the morning. Anyways I think I’m going to text my bf, claim I did it in my sleep, and go to bed. Maybe. I get super nervous stomach over just thinking of texting him. DAMN I wish I had siblings to blame stuff on sometimes, pretty much only now. >.< night.

life as we don't know it

nluvw42 — 2009-05-09T19:21:00Z

I shouldn’t even write this, it’s pointless. I am angry right now. At me, at people, I don’t know. I’m mad at myself for even considering, but I know deep down I didn’t….or did I that’s what scares me. I’m mad at myself for having a HUGE talent for speaking my mind, how I feel, or just talking and getting everyone extremely mad at me. I was asked I guess 4 weeks ago, “Is it hard being different?” Yeah, makes me sound like a freak and a loser. Maybe I am. But, I didn’t even hesitate to answer no at the time. I said no because I know what I want and I don’t care what other people say, you love me or you don’t. Ever since prom, I’ve been thinking how hard it is. I wish I could have had fun at prom. Had the confidence to go up and grab a guy and just dance. Not care how I look, what they think of me, and just do my thing. But I didn’t. Hell, I couldn’t even dance with my boyfriend because I felt I’d ruin his night if I did because I knew how horrible I’d be. I hate being bad at things. Why I hate driving, kissing, art, swimming, thought of having sex, a hell of a lot more. Just I know I’m horrible or going to be horrible and I don’t want people to judge me on that. I know I’m a great person and I, just, ugh. I hate this about myself. I also hate to be annoying. I will never text my boyfriend either because I don’t want to annoy him. I know he goes out at night, and I know he use to work after school so I try to not text him at either of those times….which only leaves during school. I just would hate to be the girl who he talks about as annoying and wishing would stop texting, and doesn’t wanna hear from and not being able to take a hint etc. I hate that. I hate that shit about me too. I’m a really confident person but I wish I had more in some areas, like me…socially. I don’t know. I don’t even know what to say about myself. I use to be so sure, I use to not care as much, I use to…. Just life. I hate high school I can’t wait until it’s over. I feel like it’s holding me back so much. I want to be able to go out whenever. I really want to be able to drive right now. I wish I didn’t care when people were mad at me, because that sucks. I wish I had the balls to actually just BAM! Kiss my boyfriend. LOL easiest thing ever and I can’t. I don’t want to inturrupt him, or make shit awkward. But omg I haven’t seen him in a week and a half outside of school and I just want to soooo badly. He invited me once and of course the one day I couldn’t. I never wanna ask him because omg I don’t want to be annoying. FML ugh I just wanna take it back and I can’t you can’t take back what you say. And when I say it it’s me being me. I guess later I just know if I knew it was going to make him mad I could have said something different. No one ever cares about that though. They don’t care that you’re sorry and didn’t mean to piss them off. I don’t know. I’m going to stop this.

On another note, I saw my friend who I haven’t seen in 5+ years. She was my best friend when I was little. I saw her and her cousin. They are both super cool still. It was great seeing them. Proli hook up again later in the week. I look forward to it. Courtney’s family was awesome, people who I think I could really love again. Jannell it was just great seeing again. Just thinking of all our adventure.